# His friends would say, stop whinin', they've had enough of that
# His friends would say, stop pinin', there's other girls to look at
# They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo
# But there's somethin' about Mary that they don't know
# Mary...
# There'sjust somethin' about Mary
# Well, his friends say, look, life's no fairy tale
# That he should have some fun, he's suffered long enough
# Well, they may know about domestic and imported ale
# But they don't know a thing about love
# Well, his friends would say he's dreamin' and livin' in the past
# But they've neverfallen in love so his friends need not be asked
# His friends would say, be reasonable, his friends would say, let go
# But there's somethin' about Mary that they don't know
# Mary...
# There'sjust somethin' about Mary
(Ted) When I was 16 years old, I fell in love.
Hey, Renise.
Hey.
So, uh, what's up?
Cool.
So, I was wondering... I don't know,...
...if maybe you wanted to, and... or not.
If you don't want to, you don't have to.
I just wondered if you were going to the prom... and... or...
...if you felt like that, maybe you'd want to go...
...with me.
Or, I mean, whatever. lf... if you didn't.
Did you take that bio test? 'Cause that was...
I heard a rumour that this guy I like was gonna ask me,...
...so I'm gonna wait and see what happens there.
That sounds great. Yeah.
OK.
So, is that like a yes or a no or...
I thought I made it clear.
If everything else falls apart...
...maybe.
I'm gonna hold you to that.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Mary!
I wonder who she's going with.
(Ted) Her name was Mary.
She moved to our little Rhode Island town...
...from Minnesota two years earlier.
What a fox!
I heard she's going with some guy named Woogie.
Who?
Big guy. Goes to Barrington High.
Woogie from Bore-rington High?
Sounds like a loser.
Loser? Woogie's only like all-state football,...
...and basketball, and fucking valedictorian.
He got a scholarship to Princeton, but he's going to Europe first to model.
Yeah? I was thinking of doing that.
Sorry.
Have you... have you...
Have you seen my baseball?
Uh, no. Sorry, man. Haven't seen it.
Have you... have you seen my baseball?
Sorry.
Hey, check it out.
Have you seen my baseball?
Hey, buddy. Come here.
I think I know where your ball is.
- You've seen my baseball? - Yeah, yeah. I've seen it.
You see that girl overthere?
That... that...
She has it, except she doesn't call it a baseball.
She's got another name for it.
Nice muffs.
Have you seen my... wiener?
What?
Have you seen my wiener?
What the... what the hell did you just say, buddy?
- Huh? - Wiener?
Get your hand off my car! What did you say to me?
My... my...
- Huh? - Wiener.
Fuckin' son of a bitch. I'm gonna fuckin' kick your ass!
Get up, fat boy! Let's go!
- Take it easy. - Keep your hands off.
- Who the fuck are you? - The guy's not all there, all right?
(crowd) Fight! Fight!
Get out of my face.
You want the first punch?
Yeah! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
What's the matter with you? Stop it!
(crowd) Aww.
You OK, Warren?
Mary, have you seen my baseball?
No, I haven't seen your baseball.
What are you doing leaving the yard?
You know you're not supposed to leave by yourself.
You know him?
He's my brother.
I'm her brother.
Warren...
I didn't realise, you know?
You ought to tell him to watch his mouth.
Jerk.
Are you OK?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
You OK?
Thanks, Ted.
(Ted) I couldn't believe that she knew my name.
Some of my bestfriends didn't know my name.
(Mary) I thinkJoe Montana...
...is the most underrated quarterback.
He should have been a first-round draft pick.
Look what he did at Notre Dame.
It's so ridiculous.
Exactly.
I'm telling you, this year, it's the 49ers. 49ers.
All the way.
Piggyback ride! Piggyback!
Warren, stop it. Leave Ted alone.
No, that's OK. I'll do it.
If you think he can hold me.
Are you kidding?
He's 230 pounds. He can hold you.
You don't have to.
It's OK. I got a little disc thing,...
...but it's all right.
All right, here we go! Giddyup, Warren!
There we go! Whoo!
Fun, huh, Warren?
He's a real Clydesdale, isn't he?
Yeah, Warren, buckin' bronco.
My turn now.
- Oh. - My turn.
OK. Well, I don't...
- (back cracks) Ow! - It's OK, Ted. You don't have to.
Giddyup!
(Mary) That's fun. Whoo!
That's fun, huh, Warren?
(Warren laughing)
Whoa!
(Ted) Uhh!
Whoa!
That was fun.
He's only 230, huh?
Yeah.
- I'm in the yard now. I'll hide. - OK, go hide.
He's got a lot of energy.
Yeah. He's great. I have a lot of fun with him.
Thanks for walking us back.
Yeah, no problem.
I'm, uh, I'm just gonna...
So, are you... are you going to the prom?
Huh?
Uh, oh. Uh...
I... I don't... I think proms are...
'Cause I thought maybe we, um...
- ...dumb. - We could go together.
Oh, you're gonna go with, like, a bunch of people?
You want, like, a designated driver?
(laughing) No, no. I mean, you and me.
Like, we could go together. The two of us.
- You... you and me? - Yeah.
Well, is that a yes or a no?
- Sure. All right. - Good.
Cool.
I'm gonna take Warren back inside.
I'II... I'll see you at school.
Cool. I'll catch you back at school.
(Ted) From that moment on,...
...the guys at school looked at me in a whole new light.
You're a fuckin' liar.
Do you expect us to believe...
...that you're going to the prom with Mary?
What's so crazy about that?
Oh, yeah, dirt bud, and I'm going with Cyndi Lauper.
What happened to Woogie?
She said she broke up with him,...
...that he was getting weird on her.
I got 20 bucks that says you're full of shit.
Why not make it 100?
Rock on.
# So when you fiind somebody who gives
# Think of me and celebrate
#I made such a big mistake
# When I was Mary's prayer
# So ifl say
# Save me, save me
# Be the light in my eyes
I've paid him enough money already.
I'm not paying until thejob gets done. He can kiss my ass!
What do you want?
Uhh!
I'm Ted Stroehmann. I'm here to take Mary to the prom.
Prom? Mary went to the prom 20 minutes ago with Woogie.
Woogie?
Woogie!
Oh.
I see.
Charlie, you are so mean!
This is Mary's stepfather Charlie. I'm Sheila, her mother.
Ted, don't pay any attention to anything he says.
- He's a laugh a minute. - Ho. Very funny.
I'm just having fun with the guy.
It's prom night. Woogie's got a sense of humour.
Oh, hey. Hi, Warren.
Oh, listen, once he gets into that MTV,...
...he'll be there for quite a while.
Oh, here she comes. Oh, honey, you look beautiful.
Aw, shit, look at that. You better be careful, boy.
Hi, Ted.
Hi, Mary.
You look really... pretty.
Thanks. I like your colours.
Oh, thanks. The guy said it was tan and taupe.
Ted's been getting it both barrels from the wisenheimer here.
Dad, you haven't been bustin' Ted's chops, have ya?
I wasjust fucking with him. Right, Ted? (laughs)
Hey, Warren, did you say hi to Ted?
About 10 times.
OK.
Hey, Warren. I think I found your baseball.
You've seen my baseball?
Well, if it's a big white one.
With, uh...
...little red stitching.
Yup. It is.
Hmm. Then I think I saw it,...
...right behind your ear.
(Warren screams)
(Charlie) Warren! Warren! Hold it, hold it!
Get up, Warren! Hey, Warren!
Warren!
Be careful, Mary! Be careful!
Get up, man!
Let go of him! Get down from there!
What are you doing?
Ted! Ted!
Warren, put him down!
(Ted) Whoa! Ohh!
What the hell are you doing?
Mary, Mary.
(Charlie) This is my house here!
Warren, are you OK, buddy?
It's OK, Warren. It's OK.
Here you go.
What the hell's the matter with you?
I wasjust trying to give him the baseball.
Baseball? What baseball?
I had a baseball.
What baseball?
There was... it's right...
There was a baseball here.
I swear, I brought him a baseball,...
...and I wasjust trying to give him a present!
Are you yelling at me in my own house?
No.
Don't make me open a can of whup-ass on you.
Ted, I should have told you. He has a thing about his ears.
(Mary) You all right, Warren?
Oh, honey, your strap's broken.
Ohh.
Oh, right.
Hey, Ted, I'm just gonna go upstairs real quick.
I just need two minutes. I got to fix my dress.
I'll help you, honey.
Hey, l, uh...
Can I use your bathroom? I'm sorry. I got to...
- (Warren) He broke the table. - You son of a bitch.
(Warren) I didn't do it.
It's OK, Warren. It's OK.
- (Ted) I swear... - The bathroom is that way.
Maybe I'll open up a can of whup-ass on him.
Trying to do the kid a favour.
(unzips trousers)
(urinating)
(cooing)
# Why do birds
# Suddenly appear
# Every time
# You are near
# Just like me
# They long to be
(record scratches)
(Ted) Hmm?
(Sheila) Ohh!
He's looking at you! What is he...
Oh, no. I...
- Oh! - (gasps)
No, no, I was...
(Mary) Mom, wait!
Shit!
(zip)
(high-pitched screaming)
(knock on door)
(Mary) Ted, are you OK?
(Ted) Yeah, I'm fine! Everything's OK!
OK, OK,just take yourtime.
It's all right.
He's been in there over a half an hour.
Charlie, I think he's masturbating.
- Oh, come on! - Mom!
Well...
He's not masturbating.
Well, he was watching you undress...
...with a silly grin on his face.
(Ted) I was watching the birds!
- Do something. - What do you want me to do?
I think he needs some male help.
- Oh, for crying out loud. - Dad,just give him a minute.
OK, kid, listen, I'm coming in, OK?
(Ted) No, no. Don't...
Exactly what the hell is the situation here?
What did you do, shit yourself or something?
Oh, I wish. I...
I got it stuck.
You got what stuck?
It!
Oh! It. Um...
Um, uh, well, um... listen, uh...
It's not the end of the world.
These kind of things happen. Uh...
Uh, let's have a look at it.
Oh, my God in heaven, save him!
Shh! Shh!
- Shush! Quiet! - Sh-Sheila!
- No! - Sheila, uh, honey?
(Ted) Don't...
Sheila, honey...
Uh, you gotta come here. You gotta see this.
(Mary) What is it?
Don't! Don't!
Don't worry. She's a dental hygienist.
She'll know exactly what to do.
- Hi, Ted. - Hi, Mrs Jensen. How are you?
- You OK? - Yeah.
Holy shit!
(Mrs Jensen) Charlie, you could have warned me.
OK, l, um...
- (Ted) Mrs Jensen, I... - Right, right. OK.
I don't want herto hear.
OK. Um, let'sjust relax here, OK?
Now, uh, uh...
What exactly are we, uh...
...Iooking at here, huh?
What do you mean? Look at the...
I mean, is it the, um...
Or the...
Is it the frank orthe beans?
Oh, l, uh, I... I don't know.
It looks like... I think it's a little bit of both.
(Warren) Franks and beans! Franks and beans!
(Mary) Shh! No! Shh, shh!
Well, what's that bubble there?
What do you think? It's a...
Well, how the hell did you get the beans above the frank?!
Shush, shush.
I don't know. It wasn't like it was a well-thought-out plan.
There really does seem to be an awful lot of skin...
...coming through there,...
...so I'm gonna find some Bactine, honey.
Uh, no. You know what? I don't need any. Really.
Hello there.
(Ted) Oh, Christ.
What the hell's going on here?
Neighbours said they heard a lady scream.
Uh, well, you're looking at him.
Uh, you gotta take a look at this.
Would you just...
Oh, Jesus!
(Charlie) Ain't it a beaut?
What the hell...
Huh?
...were you thinking?
How the hell did you get the zipper all the way to the top?
Let's just say the kid's limber.
Ow! Ow!
Christ!
What the...
God...
Somebody's gonna have to move that station wagon...
...so I can get the truck in here.
(offiicer) Lenny, come here.
Ohh...
Take a look...
...at what this numb-nuts did.
Holy shit!
Mike, Eddie. Get down here quick.
Bring everybody. Bring a camera. You won't believe this!
We got a kid down here... what's your name?
No, I...
No, there's only one thing to do here.
What? No. You know what? I got an idea.
Look, look. I can just... We don't have to do anything...
...'cause, look, I can just wear this overthe front.
Look, I can go to the prom. We'll deal with it later.
Son, relax.
You already laid the tracks. That's the hard part.
Now we'rejust gonna back it up.
(Sheila) Teddy, be brave.
It's just like pulling off a Band-Aid.
A one...
...and a two...
...and a...
We got a bleeder!
Keep pressure on it. Keep it on.
Everybody get out of the way!
(sirens)
Step clear, gentlemen, please.
(Warren) He was masturbating!
(medic) People, please move out of the way.
(Charlie) Warren, come here.
(Warren) He was masturbating!
Move out of the way.
(Charlie) None of this ever happened to Woogie!
(Mary) Are you OK, Ted?
(crash)
Ted!
(Warren) He was masturbating!
Aah.
Ohh.
Ted, are you all right?
Sure.
Aah.
Oh.
(Mary) OK.
OK, Ted.
OK, let's roll.
(siren)
So, anyway, uh...
...school ended a couple days later,...
...her father got transferred to Florida in July.
So I worked all summer to pay off those debts and...
...well, I never saw Mary again.
That was... what?
13 years ago.
That's very interesting.
Anyway,...
...I know it's not the type of thing you'd forget,...
...but I guess I just... I kinda...
I must have blocked it out of my head or something,...
...'cause I was driving down the highway last week,...
...and I started thinking about Mary,...
...and all of a sudden it was like I couldn't breathe.
I mean, I was... I was...
I felt like I was gonna die.
So I pulled off the road and I just sorta stopped in this...
...I guess it was a rest area.
I wasjust kind of shaking and...
(sighs)
You know, rest areas are homosexual hangouts.
Hmm?
Highway rest areas.
They're the bathhouses of the '90s...
...for many, many, many gay men.
So what... what are you...
What are you saying?
(beeping)
Oop. Time, she's up.
We'Il, uh, delve into that next week.
(chuckles)
Well, you know, you are a writer,...
...and writers are artists.
And most artists are a little foofy, you know.
(Ted) A little foofy? Thanks forthe support.
Hey, you guys, I thought you might like these with your beers.
Yes, indeed. Ted, help yourself.
I don't think I'll have one.
- You don't want one? - No.
You want something else?
Come on. You want something to eat?
Not hungry, thank you.
You want a cookie, something like that?
Honey, we got cookies?
Uh, no, we don't, but I could bake some.
No, no, no. Don't bake any.
No, that's a good idea. Why don't you bake some?
Bake some tollhouses.
Oh, great. Yeah, yeah.
- Uh, chocolate chip or butterscotch? - Let's go with the chocolate chip.
- OK. Good. - Really, you don't...
No, it's fine. Don't worry.
She loves this kind of thing.
Really?
See, that's great.
That's what I want,...
...a family,...
...and somebody to, you know...
It must be wonderful having all this, huh?
Each day is betterthan the next.
How about you?
The big "L." Hmm?
- Ever been? - What?
In lurve.
Well,...
...once.
Mary.
Oh, God. Not Mary again.
Look, I know it was brief,...
...but it was...
...it was definitely love, Dom.
I mean, crushes don't last for 13 years, right?
What ever happened to Mary?
- She moved with herfamily to Miami. - So why don't you look her up?
I did...
...once.
I called. She wasn't listed.
So that's it? You get one little bump in the road and give up?
It's probably forthe best.
After 13 years,...
...she's probably gonna think I'm a stalker or something.
You know what you should do is hire a private investigator.
You know, to find her, follow her around. She won't know anything.
No way! That's way too creepy.
Besides, she's probably married with a couple of kids by now.
Girls like Mary...
...they don't stay single.
Hey, I've got an idea.
There's this guy down in my office. His name's Healy.
He's a claims investigator. He's a hell of a bloodhound.
He goes to Miami every couple of weeks. He can help you out.
This guy runs a little hot, but he gets thejob done.
So.
Dom says you're looking for some lady friend you knew back at school.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's cute.
I don't buy it, but it's cute.
You're not buying what?
Ted, I'm the kind of guy who likes to shoot from the hip.
(zips trousers)
I want you to level with me.
Come on, let's talk.
Did you knock this skirt up? Huh?
No.
She's blackmailing you, right?
Blackmailing me?
No.
You want her dead, don't you?
Dead?
Were you...
You're not serious, are you?
You expect me to believe this is a straight stalker case? Come on!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm not a stalker. I'm not a stalker, all right?
- She's a friend of mine. - Oh, sure she is!
That explains why she's got an unlisted number,...
...and you haven't heard squat from her in 13 years.
Yeah. A real chum.
You're good, Ted.
Real piece of work.
You know what? Forget it.
Just forget the whole thing.
OK, I'll do it.
But if this chick turns up with a toe tag,...
...I'm rolling over on you, big guy.
All right.
# Hey, come this May
# We'll be runnin'in the sun again
# Your time will come
# You're just a young broken heart
# Been out sleepin'in the yard
# How could you be so dumb?
Healy, you dog.
Sully!
Look at you.
You hot shit, you look fucking pisser.
Hey. Hey, good fella.
(growls)
Does he bite?
A little bit.
Get in.
Here's the info you asked for.
Thanks.
Yeah, you should thank me.
That girl was not easy to find.
What, she scam you out of some insurance dough?
Nah. Some guy gave me a couple bucks...
...to track down his high school girlfriend.
Stalker, huh?
Yep. Big time.
(wind chimes)
(rock music blaring)
(lowers volume)
(Healy) Ahh.
Looks like we found your Mary, Ted.
Husband... negative.
Children and a labrador...
...negative.
Tight little package...
...affirmative.
Good morning, Magda.
- Hi, doll. You're in my light. - Sorry.
(voices on radio)
So, you been out here all night again?
You bet your ass I have.
This is an importantjob, Neighbourhood Watch is.
Ah. Neighbourhood Watch. Is that what we're calling it?
Listening to perfect strangers' telephone conversations.
This only picks up cellular phones in a half a mile radius.
Meaning?
Meaning these are the people you live amongst.
You got a right to know if they're creeps.
For instance, you know the guy...
...in the green house down the street? Cheating on his wife.
(Magda) And I am not surprised.
I am not surprised at all.
Because Puffy used to bark his balls off whenever he saw him.
And you know that Puffy, he only barks at the bad people.
OK.
Listen, I'm gonna go hit some golf balls,...
...and hook up with Warren, so... try to get some sleep.
OK.
- Bye, doll. - Bye.
Hello.
Hi, Mary.
Hey, Herb. How's it going?
Apple for you today.
Thanks, Mary.
Have a good day. See you later.
Lookin' good, honey.
(starts engine)
#lsn't it safer?
# Dark thoughts
#All gone
# What a sensation
# She has made one more tomorrow
# Raising up her eyes
# To a brand-new sky
# She knows the truth at last
# She's never coming back
# She'll be gone...
Hi, Mary.
Hey, Mrs Bailey. How you doing?
Looks like we got ajock on our hands.
Hey, you want the sports page?
Sure. Thank you.
(man) Take care now.
Bye, you guys. See ya.
# She knows what
#lt's for
# She's at the window
# Wondering why
# There is no-one to save her
# Raising up her eyes
# To a brand-new sky
# She knows the truth at last
# She's never coming back
Yeah. Can I have two, Mary?
Yeah, you can have two halves, just like everybody else.
Mmm.
Yeah, it's good.
(giggles)
Will you marry me, Mary?
Oh, I would love to, Jimmy,...
...but, um, I'm already engaged to Freddie.
(giggles)
Who's Freddie? Me?
Yeah, that's you.
(laughing)
Will you marry me?
Oh.
What about Dolores?
You gonna marry us both?
I'm gonna kiss you.
I think you're making out pretty well there.
OK.
Thanks, Mary.
You're welcome, Zack.
- No onions. - No onions.
No onions.
No onions. How you doing?
(giggling)
Listen to this one:
"Seeking sensitive WASP doctor...
...to share candlelit dinners,...
...Iong walks in Coconut Grove,...
...marriage."
Is she looking for a corpse?
You have to be specific when you write those.
You have to say, "seeking deaf mute with", you know,...
"...3-pound cock and trust fund."
I want a guy who can play 36 holes...
...and still have enough energy...
...to take me and Warren to a ball game...
...and eat hot dogs.
I'm talking sausage hot dogs, beer.
Not light beer, but beer. That's my ad. Print it up.
Mmm.
Fatty who likes beer and golf.
Jeez, Mary, where you gonna find a gem like that?
(laughter)
OK, well, here's the catch.
He has to be self-employed.
Like a drug dealer?
No, I was thinking along the lines, maybe,...
...of somebody like...
...an architect or something.
But I want somebody with freedom in theirjob, you know?
Somebody who can do it anywhere...
...and just leave at a drop of a hat.
And where would you and your beer-bellied architect be going to?
(Mary) Super Bowl?
That's good.
I don't know. Maybe a few months in Nepal.
And you'd probably dump the poor guy halfway to Katmandu.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means you change your mind too much.
No, I don't.
Oh, come off it, Mary.
Remember that gorgeous corn-fed white-boy honey...
...that you just dumped like yesterday's garbage?
What was his name? Pack man.
OK. We had fun for a while.
Mary, cut the crap.
What really happened with Brett?
Yeah. Brett seemed so sweet.
You know what Tucker said Brett told him?
He said that if Warren wasn't in my life,...
...that he would have popped the question a long time ago.
- Oh. - What a schmuck.
To hell with Brett, you know?
(Mary) I've got a vibrator.
Ha ha ha ha!
(giggling)
Shh!
(sportscaster) Those are the plays of the month.
Thank you for joining us.
Look forward to seeing you next Sunday...
...on the Sports Machine.
Have a good week, everybody.
(TV off)
(Healy) Oh, ho-ho, yeah.
Ho ho.
Here comes the money shot.
(Healy) Aah!
First chink in the armour, Ted.
(Healy) Ohh.
Shit.
(groans)
Oh, yeah.
Pop, you wanna get me a whisky sour when you get a sec?
Whisky sour coming up.
Got some excellent news for you, my friend.
Oh, yeah? Excellent?
I think your life's about to change.
Really?
So... so you found her?
Oh, yeah.
And you were right, man. She really is something else.
My God.
Really?
So... so she hasn't...
...she hasn't changed at all, huh?
Well, that I couldn't say.
Let me ask you something.
Was Mary a little big-boned back in high school?
Big-boned? No, no. Not at all. No.
I guess she packed on a few pounds overthe years.
Oh, yeah. So she's a little... she's a little chubby?
Oh, I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half. Not bad.
Oh, my. A deuce and a half.
You shit out a bunch of kids, and you're bound to put on a few pounds.
Oh, so she's, um...
...she's married?
No, no. She's never been. That's the good news.
Huh?
Four kids, three different guys, but no rock.
Hyperactive little fuckers, too.
Tough to keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet.
She's in a wheelchair? Mary's in a wheelchair?
I thought that was part of your kick.
Excuse me, I ordered a whisky sour.
(Pop) Whatever.
Are you sure it's the same Mary?
Oh, yeah. It's Mary all right. The brother Warren?
Hey, don't look so shocked, Ted. It's been a long time.
I bet you've changed a lot the last 13 years.
What, do you think your shit don't stink?
No, I don't think... I... I mean, yes, it doe...
OK, I got all the information you need.
I got it off her bookie. Nice guy.
You really should look her up, Ted.
I mean, she's a real spark plug, this one.
Well, thank you. Thanks, Healy. Good work.
Uh, Ted,...
...don't you want the name of the housing project?
What?
(TV) ...for 1,995.
See the Sarone boys on Route 1 in South Brattleboro, and right here...
...on Jefferson Boulevard in Warwick...
(guitar)
# Well, it hurts from the bottom
# And it hurts down to your soul
# That's because
# True love is not nice
# And it brings up hurt
# From when you were five years old
# That's because
# True love is not nice
# No
# Oh, pain, pain, pain
# Ain't thatjust love's name?
# Love can bring up hurt
# From way down low
# It now be emphasised
# True love isjust not civilised
# True love is not nice
# No, no
Where are you goin'?
Huh?
Oh, I resigned.
Good luck in Miami, Pat.
Miami?
What... what are you doing in Miami?
Uh, I took a, uh,job offer.
With who?
With, uh...
...Rice-a-roni.
Isn't that the San Francisco treat?
It was.
They're changing their image.
Yeah, well, listen, I've been thinking about what you said.
Good, good.
And, uh, I still want to look her up.
Who?
Roller pig?
Are you nuts?
I thought you said she was a real spark plug.
Hmm? No, no. I said butt plug.
She's heinous.
You know what?
All the same, I think I wanna call her.
I mean, I know it sounds crazy,...
...but, you know... I don't know. Maybe I can help her out.
I just... I feel bad, you know?
The poorthing, she's in a wheelchair, for God sakes.
It's... it's a bunion. It'll heal.
Bunion? You... what... I thought...
You know what? That's not even it. The point is, I just...
I know this doesn't make sense to you,...
...but I can'tjust turn it off that fast.
I guess I still have feelings for her.
This girl really means something to you, huh?
All right.
Tell you what... I'll get you her number,...
...just as soon as she gets back from Japan.
Thank you. I'd apprec...
Japan? What is... what's happening in Japan?
Why is she going to Japan?
Oh, uh, you've heard of mail-order brides, haven't you?
Well, they go that way, too.
Mary's a...
What... what, are they desperate?
She's a whale!
Don't forget. It's a sumo culture. They pay by the pound there.
It's sorta like, uh, sorta like tuna.
Well, what happened to... You said she was single. Remember? No rock.
You had your window, Ted. You blew it.
I had my window?
I'm sorry, buddy. It'sjust...
You're taking this all wrong. I mean, you're liberated.
I mean, you're thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and it turns out...
...that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.
(Ted) You wanna say it a little louder?
I'm sorry, but it was.
I nevertold you that.
Well, I was only fourtowns away.
Excuse me.
Oh, sure, sweetheart.
Oh, man, I gotta go.
I gotta get up at 6 a.m. tomorrow...
...and help my boss' brother move.
Your boss' brother? Who's that?
I don't even know. I never met him.
Ted, finish that novel so you can quit that stupid magazine.
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
Nice swing.
Christ! Hit a house!
I haven't swung the wrenches in a while.
Would you mind givin' me some pointers here?
Yeah. Sure. Don't talk in someone's backswing.
Oh, thanks.
I'm gonna go get a soda. You want one?
No, thanks.
Oh, uh, look, I'm sorry to bother you again,...
...but, uh... you got change of a dollar?
No.
All I got are these damn Nepalese coins.
You've been to Nepal?
Hmm?
Oh, uh, not... not in months.
I don't even know why I bought the damn place.
- Nice meeting you again. - You, too... again.
So, what's your name?
Pat Healy.
Hmm.
Wanna know mine?
I already know it, Mary.
How did you know that?
'Cause it's right there on your golf bag.
Aw, damn!
Wow. Are... are those blueprints?
Oh, these?
They're just some, uh, projects I'm working on.
Museum,... hospital for kids.
Really? Are you an architect?
Just till I get my, uh, PGAtour card.
No. I mean, are they putting up a new museum in town, or is it...
To tell you the truth, I'm sort of burnt out on talkin' about it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just ajob, really. You know, something to keep me moving.
- My real passion is my hobby. - Really? What's that?
I work with retards.
Isn't that a little politically, um, incorrect?
Well, the hell with that.
No one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with, right?
- No. I mean... - We got this one kid... Mongo.
He's got a forehead like a drive-in movie theatre,...
...but we don't bust his chops too much.
- So one day Mongo gets out of his cage... - What, they keep him in a cage?
Well, it's... it'sjust an enclosure...
No, but they keep him confined.
Right, yeah.
That's bullshit!
Well, that's what I said!
So I went out, and I got him, um, I got him a leash.
A leash!
Yeah, one of those ones you can hook onto the clothesline,...
...and he can run back and forth.
And, uh, there's plenty of room...
...for him to... to dig and, uh, play.
That kid is really, uh,...
...he's really blossomed, you know?
Now I can, uh, take him to movies.
Baseball games.
Fun stuff.
Yeah.
Sounds cool.
Oh, yeah, it's cool forthem,...
...but for me it's much more than that.
For me, it's... it's heaven.
Y'know?
Those goofy bastards arejust about...
...the best thing I've got goin' in this...
...crazy world.
Hey, dipshit, be careful with that thing, will you?
- What? - You heard me.
You already put a fuckin' nick in my piano.
Well, I'll try to be a little more careful.
What are you, fading? You wimpin' out on me?
It's just that this is a little bit heavy, that's all.
Heavy? What I wouldn't give to know what heavy feels like,...
...you insensitive prick.
No, I didn't... I didn't mean that!
Yeah, yeah. I'm goin' down the street to get some coffee.
Wait! Wait! I'll get you the coffee. Just...just...
Hey, I'm sorry!
Aah! Aah! Ah!
- Ow! - (crack)
Ow.
Tender, fascial tissue left of L7.
Hey, Bob?
Remember Mary?
Oh, yeah.
I remember Mary.
Hey, I saw her a few months ago at a convention in Las Vegas.
How could you see her at a convention?
Well, I'm a chiropractor. She's an orthopaedic surgeon.
She's a what?!
She's an orthopaedic surgeon.
And... oof... she's still a fox.
What if the families don't want a class action?
Oh, God! That's what I've been trying to explain to you people forthe last hour!
OK, fine. We'll go over it again.
Mary's a fox!
What?
Mary's a fox? What do you...
Hey, folks. Here, let's...
We'll break up. We'll spitball this tomorrow. OK?
What the hell are you talking about?!
Mary? My Mary?
She's not in Japan. She has no rugrats running around.
My friend says she's a fox.
A surgeon fox.
I don't get it. I mean Healy...
Think about it! He never even looked her up down there!
He was there closing his deal with the Rice-a-roni people the whole time!
What's up with your head?
Oh. I... I get hives tap-dancing for these idiots.
Jeez, I feel like a royal shit because I set you up with this guy.
You know what you gotta do. You gotta call her.
Fuck calling her.
I'm goin' down there.
Yeah, yeah, OK.
ASAP.
So, who's the lucky guy?
His name's Pat.
I met him at the driving range.
Is he good looking?
He's no Steve Young.
So, what is he like?
I don't know.
Kind of a mook.
A schlep.
(Magda) Why the hell you going out with him if he's a schlep?
It's not like that, Magda.
You know, it's...
It's like that movie Harold and Maude.
Aw...
I don't watch the new ones.
Well, you should, because it's probably the greatest love story of ourtime.
The point is...
...is that love isn't about...
...money or social standings...
...or age.
It's about two people connecting,...
...having something in common.
You know, kindred spirits.
Fuck kindred spirits.
My little Puffy here is going to tell you...
...everything you need to know about that guy...
...in about two seconds flat.
If Puffy starts yapping, uh-uh. He's a loser.
If he likes him, then you've got yourself a keeper.
(kisses Puffy)
(growling)
Yeah.
Pufferball likes it when I rub his belly.
That is amazing!
He doesn't like anybody.
He never usually likes guys.
He doesn't like bad guys.
Is that right?
I can tell that you're an animal nut.
You are, aren't you?
You got me pegged.
You know, in Nepal, the villagers there called me...
...Kin ton ti,...
...which means...
..."noble man who is loved by many animal, who, in kind, he loveth, too."
Would you like a cup of tea or something?
I'd love a brewski if you got one.
We can do that.
Hey, Magda, why don't you help me in the kitchen?
Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Certainly. Of course.
Kin ton ti.
Puffer doesn't like bad guys, does he?
Puffer?
Puffer, come on, boy.
Would you like a little clam dip, doll?
(Pat) Uh, no, thank you.
I'd love a bundt cake if you have one.
- Bundt cake? - Bundt cake?
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
1, 2, 3.
Hey, Pat, do you want a, um...
...a Budweiser or a Heinie?
Uh, yeah, whatever.
Come on, Puffer! Stay away from the light!
OK, I'll just get you a regular.
Uhh!
(sound of fiire spreading)
All set?
(barks)
Ohh.
Oh, good pooch.
All we had were some Oreos. How does that sound, honey?
Oh, my God.
He's got him wrapped up like a baby.
He was...
...he was a little chilly.
(whimpers)
Well, here we are.
- The museum? - Yeah.
- I thought we were going to dinner. - First, I have a surprise.
- Surprise? - It's the architecture exhibit.
- Architecture exhibit? - Yeah.
- I got to eat something or I get the shakes. - Come on. We'll eat in 20 minutes.
My friend Tucker is upstairs. He's an architect, too.
- Come on. - Architect?
Yeah.
Tucker.
This is amazing. It just blows me away.
What do you think this falls under? Is this Art Deco, or is it Art Nouveau?
Uh...
...Deco.
- Deco, yeah. - Yeah.
It's beautiful.
Is this... OK.
Is this a vestibule, or is it a portico?
What is the difference between the two?
Uh, when you're looking at architecture,...
...try to visualise the buildings...
...as a whole, you know?
Uh, try to see them in their natural state, in their...
...totalitarian... ism,...
...so to speak.
Stone crab time.
- Let's go to Joe's, huh? - Hey, Tucker.
(laughter)
(English accent) Mary!
How are you?
Good.
I'm glad we saw you.
Uhh!
Oh, come on, like you mean it.
Tucker, this is my friend, Pat Healy.
Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Patrick.
Same here.
Pat is an architect as well.
Oh, really?
Where are your offices?
Mainly, I work out of Boston.
Boston, huh?
Did you get your degree up there?
You bet.
Really? Where did you study?
Harvard.
Then you must've studied under Kim Green.
Well, among others.
Huh.
You know, Pat, um...
...does projects all overthe world.
Really? Where would I have seen your work?
Well, have you been to, uh...
...well, let me see.
Santiago, Chile?
Twice last year.
Which building's yours?
Are you familiar with the soccer stadium?
Did you build the Estadio Olimpico?
No, just down the street...
...the Celinto Catayente Towers.
It's quite a fine example, in fact.
I recommend that next time you're up that way...
...that you drop in and take a ganders at it yourself.
(rock music)
Hey, thanks for picking me up, man.
Yeah, no problem.
I've been driving for, like, 15 hours straight,...
...so I could use the company.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I've been standing in the same spot...
...for five and a half hours.
You know they made it illegal to hitchhike in this state?
Really?
That must make it really tough.
So, uh, what's going on with you? You a salesman, or...
Uh, no, no,...
...I'm... I'm... I'm nothing.
I am.
- Yeah? - I'm a salesman.
I'm going to start my own company.
Really?
You want in?
Uh...
I... nah.
I'm not... I don't really have any money or...
You heard of this thing the 8-minute abs?
Yeah, sure, 8-minute abs. Yeah, the exercise video.
This is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this.
7-minute abs.
Right.
Yes. OK, all right, I see where you're going.
You walk into a video store. There's 8-minute abs and 7-minute abs beside it.
Which one are you going to pick?
I'm... I would go forthe seven.
Bingo, man, bingo.
7-minute abs.
And we guaranteejust as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.
You guarantee it? That's... How do you do that?
If you're not happy with the first seven minutes,...
...we're going to send you the extra minute free.
You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're coming from.
That's from Ato B.
That's right. That's... that's good. That's good.
Unless, of course,...
...somebody comes up with 6-minute abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?
No!
No, no, not six.
I said seven.
Nobody's coming up with six.
Who works out in six minutes?
You won't even get your heart going,...
...not even a mouse on a wheel.
That... good point.
Seven's the key number here. Think about it.
- 7-Elevens. - Yeah.
Seven dwarves.
Seven, man, that's the number.
Seven chipmunks twirling on a branch,...
...eating lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch.
You know that old children's tale from the sea.
It's like you're dreaming about Gorgonzola cheese...
...when it's clearly Brie time, baby.
Step into my office.
Why?
'Cause you're fucking fired.
Yeah. I got to pee. I'm just going to pull over.
Your car seats are making me itchy, man.
What are these made out of? Cactus?
I'm only waiting seven minutes total.
Ohh!
Hey, wait yourturn.
Hey, I didn't...
Whoa.
(offiicer) Freeze!
(Ted) Wait a minute.
This is a raid!
No. No, no, no, I was peeing.
That's what I was doing. I wasjust peeing.
(man) I was peeing, too!
Yeah, I'm sure you were all just pissing. Let's go. Let's move it out.
Let's go.
(men yelling)
Come on.
(man) Shit! Jimmy Shay, is that you?
(helicopter)
# Bad boys, bad boys
# Whatcha gonna do?
# Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
# Bad boys, bad boys
Oh, my God.
Ted?
Ahem.
If you'll just let me talk to you for one second...
...outside of the truck...
Look, I still have to pee, all right?
Get in the truck! Let's go. Let's go.
Can I have a cup?
See, hon? I told you he was gay.
(announcer) We'll be right back with more cops...
...live from the heartland.
# A veces pienso que aquí
# Todo es seguridad
# Por la seca castidad
# Lo de antes fue algo
# Ahora es mejor
# Oh, yeah, ahora es mejor...
- Your grandmother is really something. - Magda? No, Magda's not my grandmother.
She rents the apartment next door. Her husband died a couple years ago,...
...and I don't think she likes being alone. So, you know, shejust hangs out.
- Doesn't cramp your style? - Sadly, no.
Sometimes I wish I could be like Magda and not go home.
I'd like to bounce around for a while and do some travelling.
I don't know why anybody would want to bounce around,...
...you know, if they have their own condo in Nepal.
I'd be there in a second.
I'd sell it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Start fresh in a new place, give up the architect game.
Slow things down a bit, read more books, see more movies.
Are you a movie buff?
I try to be, but it's tough going out there with all the crap they make today.
I just wish they made movies like they used to make.
You know, classics like The Karate Kid...
...or Harold and Maude.
Harold and Maude is my all-time favourite movie.
Don't bust my chops. I know it's corny, but...
Pat, I'm not kidding.
I think that Harold and Maude is one of the greatest...
(both) ...Iove stories of ourtime.
Here I thought I was the only one.
You're too good to be true.
Come on, let's go dance.
(door slams)
(detective) Man, they never look like you'd expect, do they?
That's probably how he got his victim to drop his guard.
Where'd they find the body?
In a big red bag on the front passenger seat,...
...all hacked up.
Gruesome.
Real psycho, this one.
Hey, you're a little worked up. Let me do the talking.
I'm Detective Stabler. This is Krevoy.
Look, I didn't solicit any sex, OK? This is a huge misunderstanding.
I was really going out to pee. I'm walking in the bushes,...
...I trip overthis guy and all of a sudden there's all these cops...
Ted, Ted, Ted, it's OK.
We believe you.
Oh.
The problem is,...
...we found yourfriend in the car.
Oh, the hitchhiker?
This is about the hitchhiker?
Oh.
Oh, great.
Just my luck.
I get caught for everything.
So...
...you admit it?
Uh, yeah. Guilty as charged.
Look, I know you guys have ajob to do and I'm really sorry. I did it.
I admit it.
You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhikertold me it was illegal, so...
Well...
...uh...
Can you tell us his name?
Uh...
No, I didn't catch it.
Can we cut to the chase? Am I in a lot of trouble here, or...
First, tell us why you did it.
Why I did it? Um...
I don't know. Boredom.
The guy turns out to be a blabbermouth, just would not shut up.
I mean, with the...just...
Ted,...
...this wasn't yourfirst time,...
...was it?
No.
How many are we talking here?
Hitchhikers?
My whole life?
Um...
I don't know.
25, 50. I mean, who keeps track?
Hey, I know this is the Bible belt, but where I come from...
...this is not that big a deal.
You son of a bitch.
You're gonna fry.
Come here!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Take it easy! You OK?
What the hell is wrong with you?
You all right?
(radio static)
Your friend Tucker stopped by.
Really?
OK. What does it look like today?
It's fiine. A little crazy in the afternoon.
Hey, Tucker.